I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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