I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
