If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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