I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize