So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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