Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize