i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize