i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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