matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
