I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
