see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
