at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
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