I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
