Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Did I show you my penis last night?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
