I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
