The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
