Do you still have your period?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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