Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
