Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
