Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
