Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
