Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
