I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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