dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
