like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
