I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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