just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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