she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
