i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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