My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
