Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
