i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
