I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Girls should come with a carfax report
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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