So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
