no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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