Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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