Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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