the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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