he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
