I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
