It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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