Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
