he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
