Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
im drinking this country out of the recession.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My balls are so social today.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
