we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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