the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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