if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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