My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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