I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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