I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
