mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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