How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
