Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
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So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
