Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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