I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
