last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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