Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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